Domestic violence is a pattern of control one person uses over another in an intimate relationship.
Types of abuse and control can be:
Emotional abuse: Possessiveness; isolation; jealousy; threats of arrests or child protection reports; the feeling of walking on eggshells; the feeling you can never do enough or anything right; “gas lighting,” or calling you and/or your suspicions crazy; using past or current substance abuse to keep you from leaving;
Verbal abuse: Name calling, especially in front of children; belittling; threatening to kill you, themselves or your pets; “If I can’t have you, no one can.”
Physical abuse: Keeping you awake at night; choking; not allowing you to leave or be alone in a room; throwing and breaking items, including cell phones; hitting, punching, and kicking; hurting family pets; pressure to engage in unwanted sexual activity such as not using a condom or outright sexual assault;
Financial Abuse: Not allowing you to work or not working themselves (either creates financial instability to keep you from leaving); withholding money; giving you an “allowance” for food or gas; withholding access to bank cards and accounts; withholding access to vehicles or the home;
What are some warning signs?
Everyone and every relationship are different but listed below can be some general red flags:
Moving the relationship along very quickly even if it’s uncomfortable for you
Keeping you from friends and family and maybe even work
Demanding to check your phone and asking for passwords to your social media accounts
Showing anger, a short temper, and an inability to cope; blaming everyone else for this behavior
Physical abuse is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body. Sometimes abusive behavior does not cause pain or even leave a bruise, but it’s still unhealthy.
Examples of physical abuse are:
Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
Pulling your hair.
Pushing or pulling you.
Grabbing your clothing.
Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon.
Smacking your bottom.
Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.
Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you to go somewhere.
Sexual
Sexual abuse refers to any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex, rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms.
It is important to know that just because the victim “didn’t say no,” doesn’t mean that they meant “yes.” When someone does not resist an unwanted sexual advance, it doesn’t mean that they consented. Sometimes physically resisting can put a victim at a bigger risk for further physical or sexual abuse.
Some think that if the victim didn’t resist, that it doesn’t count as abuse. That’s not true. It’s still is. This myth is hurtful because it makes it more difficult for the victim to speak out and more likely that they will blame themselves. Whether they were intoxicated or felt pressured, intimidated or obligated to act a certain way, it’s never the victim’s fault.
Some examples of sexual assault and abuse are:
Unwanted kissing or touching.
Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
Rape or attempted rape.
Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.
Keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no.”
Threatening someone into unwanted sexual activity.
Repeatedly pressuring someone to have sex or perform sexual acts.
Repeatedly using sexual insults toward someone.
Emotional
Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking.
There are many behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse:
Calling you names and putting you down.
Yelling and screaming at you.
Intentionally embarrassing you in public.
Preventing you from seeing or talking with friends and family.
Telling you what to do and wear.
Using online communities or cell phones to control, intimidate or humiliate you.
Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior.
Stalking you.
Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them.
Threatening to harm you, your pet or people you care about.
Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.
Threatening to expose your secrets such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.
Starting rumors about you.
Threatening to have your children taken away.
Stalking
You are being stalked when a person repeatedly watches, follows or harasses you, making you feel afraid or unsafe. A stalker can be someone you know, a past boyfriend or girlfriend or a stranger. While the actual legal definition varies from one state to another, here are some examples of what stalkers may do:
Show up at your home or place of work unannounced or uninvited.
Send you unwanted text messages, letters, emails and voicemails.
Leave unwanted items, gifts or flowers.
Constantly call you and hang up.
Use social networking sites and technology to track you.
Spread rumors about you via the internet or word of mouth.
Make unwanted phone calls to you.
Call your employer or professor.
Wait at places you hang out.
Use other people as resources to investigate your life. For example, looking at your facebook page through someone else’s page or befriending your friends in order to get more information about you.
Damage your home, car or other property.
Dating violence can take place in person or electronically (such as repeated texting, posting sexual pictures of a partner online, cyberstalking, cyber harassment, etc.). Unhealthy relationships can start early in life and last a lifetime. Teens often think behaviors like teasing and name calling are a “normal” par of a relationship, but these behaviors can become abusive and develop into more serious forms of violence.
Why is dating violence a problem?
Dating violence is a widespread issue that has serious long-term and short-term effects. Many teens do not report it because they are afraid to tell friends and family.
According to the Center for Disease Control
Among adult victims of rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, 22% of women and 15% of men first experienced some for of partner violence between the ages of 11 and 17.
Approximately 9% of high school students report being hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the 12 months before surveyed.
How does dating violence effect health?
Dating violence can have a negative effect on health throughout life. Youth who are victims are more likely to experience symptoms of depression and anxiety, engage in unhealthy behaviors, like using tobacco, drugs and alcohol, or exhibit antisocial behaviors and think about suicide. Youth who are victims of dating violence in high school are at a higher risk for victimization during college as well.
Who is at risk for dating violence?
According the the Center for Disease Control, factors that increase risk for harming a dating partner include…
Belief that dating violence is acceptable.
Depression, anxiety and other trauma symptoms.
Aggression towards peers and other aggressive behavior.
Substance abuse.
Early sexual activity and having multiple sexual partners.
Having a friend involved in dating violence.
Conflict with partner.
Witnessing or experiencing violence in the home.
Want to learn more about dating violence?
Contact our prevention educator by phone 941-627-6000 or by email.
If you are suspecting that your friend or family member is experiencing abuse of any kind, there are things YOU CAN do to help.
Guide your friend to community services
Let your friend know about the services offered in your community, like us at C.A.R.E. Let your friend know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE and that if he/she doesn’t want to discuss the abuse with you, they can contact a certified victim advocate for FREE at 941-627-6000 or 941-475-6465 and everything they say is completely confidential.
How to help a victim of Domestic Violence?
The following are helpful tips on how to approach the situation if the victim is not ready to call C.A.R.E. for assistance.
Start the Conversation
You can bring up the subject of domestic violence by saying “I’m worried about you because …..” or “I’m concerned about your safety…” Maybe you’ve seen the person wearing unusual clothing for the weather to cover up bruises or noticed that the person wearing extra make-up. Maybe they have suddenly become unusually quiet or withdrawn. All of these behaviors can be signs of abuse.
Take it slow and easy. Let the person know that you are available and offering a sympathetic ear. Do not force the conversation, this may lead them to shut down.
Listen Without Judgment
If the person does decide to talk, listen to the story without being judgmental. This can be difficult at times for many of us, just do your best. Offer advice, or suggest realistic solutions. Chances are if you actively listen, the person will tell you exactly what they need. You can ask clarifying questions, but mainly just let the person vent their feelings and fears. You may be the first person in which the victim has confided.
Believe the Victim
Domestic violence is more about control than anger, often the victim is the only one who sees the dark side of the perpetrator. More often than not, friends and family members are shocked to learn that a loved one could commit acts of violence. Consequently, victims often will feel that no one will believe them if they told people about the violence. Believe the victim and offer them reassurance. Examples include:
I believe you
This is not your fault
You don’t deserve this.
For a victim, finally having someone who knows the truth about their struggles can bring a sense of hope and relief.
Validate their Feelings
It’s not unusual for victims to express conflicting feelings about their partner and their situation. These feelings can range from:
Guilt/ Anger
Hope/ Despair
Love/ Fear
It is important you validate their feelings by explaining that, having these conflicting thoughts/feelings is completely normal. But it is also important that you confirm that violence is not okay! It is not normal to live in fear of being abused. Some victims may not realize that their situation is abnormal because they have no other models for relationships and have gradually become accustomed to the cycle of violence.
Be informed
You’re obviously already trying to become informed by reading this information, but find out all the facts you can about domestic violence. We have tons of information under the “Get Help” tab on our website.
Build your friend up
Let them know their potential, they will survive and overcome this situation. Describe all of their good qualities; “You are: Strong, Beautiful, Intelligent, ETC . You don’t know how beat down they have been from their abuser; they do not need anyone else pointing out their so-called flaws.
Be patient
Reaching out for help takes A LOT of courage. There are many factors that may delay your friend from seeking help or leaving their abuser. Here are just a few examples:
Fear of harm if they leave
They still love their partner and believe they will change
A strong belief that marriage is “for better or worse”
Thinking the abuse is their fault
Staying for the children
Lack of self-confidence
Lack of means (job, money, transportation) to survive on their own
There is also a good chance if they leave their abuser, they may go back. Please remember to be patient and supportive despite how frustrating the situation may become. Your friend/ family member needs you!
How to help a victim of Rape?
Guide your friend to community services
Let your friend know about the services offered in your community, like us at C.A.R.E. Let your friend know that THEY ARE NOT ALONE and that if he/she doesn’t want to discuss the assault with you, they can contact a certified victim advocate for FREE at 941-637-0404 or 941-475-6465 the conversation will be completely confidential.
The following are helpful tips on how to approach the situation if the victim is not ready to call C.A.R.E. for assistance.
Believe the victim. Make it clear to the victim you believe the assault happened and that the assault is the fault of the abuser, NOT the victim.
Remain calm
You might feel shock, anger or rage, but expressing these emotions to the victims may cause more trauma.
Encourage medical attention
Medical care is important, there may be internal injuries that are not obvious, or the victim may have been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases. Victims are entitled to a forensic medical exam, whether or not they decide to report the assault to Law Enforcement.
Give the Victim Control
Control has been stripped from the victim during the assault. Allow the victim to make their own decisions about what steps to take next, while staying supportive.
Maintain confidentiality
Let the victim decide who will know about the assault.
Let the victim express feeling
Listen without adding your opinions. If the victim wishes to remain silent, do not force discussion. Say you will be there to listen always. It is important for you not to judge a victim’s response. One victim may react very emotionally and another may be extremely calm. No matter how victims react, their emotions are normal and okay.
Some common/immediate reactions to sexual assault:
Power and control is a pattern of controlling behaviors that may include physical, sexual or emotional abuse. It can be found in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.
